I spent this past weekend, indulging my id and spending away my “hard-earned” cash. Come to think of it, I spent a lot of time inside of stores, but I didn’t spend anything. That’s the problem being “big and tall” – you’re severely limited in what you can wear and where you can shop. But I try. I compensate by (probably over) layering and wearing accessories like outlandish scarves and ridiculous sunglasses. Wait. Why did I start talking about shopping? I don’t know. Anyway. OMG I have two pairs of chucks on the way. This pair. And  this pair. I’m ridiculously excited.

Anwyay back to my point. Besides spending a heinous amount of time …. spending. I also saw two movies. Zombieland and Paranormal Activity. Zombieland was hilarious. Top 25 movies of all time, easily. And Paranormal Activity enters the Top 7. Seriously. It was ridiculously scary. My friend drove me home and I wouldn’t go in the house alone. I had to call another friend and she came in with me. You can add doors to the long list of things that frighten me. Seriously. In a theater of 200, there wasn’t one person that wasn’t screaming at the end of that movie. I’m getting scared just thikning about it now. I can’t dwell on it because I won’t go to sleep tonight if I do. Suffice it to say that if you love scary (and not in your face, Saw kind of scary, but honest to goodness creepy) then you will love Paranormal Activity.

I shop because I love scarves.

I shop because I love sunglasses.

I shop because I love shoes.

I shop because I love colors.

I shop because I love patterns

I shop because I love myself.

I shop because I want to forget.

I shop because I need to forget.

Need to forget that you’ll never return my affections.

Never return my longing gazes.

Never return my feelings.

My emotions

My desires

Desires to touch

To laugh

To play

To hold

To commit

Commit to you the way I commit to True Blood every Sunday

Commit to something other than a cigarette or a shot of Jose

I shop because it feels the empty

The empty feeling of knowing you’ll never propose to me at a Mariah Carey concert

I shop because I can

I shop because I can now and when I was growing up if I wasn’t on clearance it didn’t come home

I shop because debt somehow proves I’ve made something of myself

I shop because I need to prove something to myself

I shop because I love myself

I shop

I shop

I shop because I love scarves and sunglasses and shoes and myself.

I shop because even though it won’t heal the wound, it’ll cover it and make it look pretty.

(I’m not poetic. I’m not insightful. I’m not deep. I’m not any of those things. This was written in exactly 74 seconds and it probably shows.)

<3