I wish I could figure out exactly what is I want. Or how I feel. Or what the fuck is going on with me, that’s causing this wretched feeling. I keep asking myself, in a perfect world, how would things be? What exactly is it that I want? And I have no clue.

This space isn’t private enough for me to detail exactly why I’m all confused and shit – but I suspect a large part of it is just me acting stupid.

We’ll see.

I spent this past weekend, indulging my id and spending away my “hard-earned” cash. Come to think of it, I spent a lot of time inside of stores, but I didn’t spend anything. That’s the problem being “big and tall” – you’re severely limited in what you can wear and where you can shop. But I try. I compensate by (probably over) layering and wearing accessories like outlandish scarves and ridiculous sunglasses. Wait. Why did I start talking about shopping? I don’t know. Anyway. OMG I have two pairs of chucks on the way. This pair. And  this pair. I’m ridiculously excited.

Anwyay back to my point. Besides spending a heinous amount of time …. spending. I also saw two movies. Zombieland and Paranormal Activity. Zombieland was hilarious. Top 25 movies of all time, easily. And Paranormal Activity enters the Top 7. Seriously. It was ridiculously scary. My friend drove me home and I wouldn’t go in the house alone. I had to call another friend and she came in with me. You can add doors to the long list of things that frighten me. Seriously. In a theater of 200, there wasn’t one person that wasn’t screaming at the end of that movie. I’m getting scared just thikning about it now. I can’t dwell on it because I won’t go to sleep tonight if I do. Suffice it to say that if you love scary (and not in your face, Saw kind of scary, but honest to goodness creepy) then you will love Paranormal Activity.

I shop because I love scarves.

I shop because I love sunglasses.

I shop because I love shoes.

I shop because I love colors.

I shop because I love patterns

I shop because I love myself.

I shop because I want to forget.

I shop because I need to forget.

Need to forget that you’ll never return my affections.

Never return my longing gazes.

Never return my feelings.

My emotions

My desires

Desires to touch

To laugh

To play

To hold

To commit

Commit to you the way I commit to True Blood every Sunday

Commit to something other than a cigarette or a shot of Jose

I shop because it feels the empty

The empty feeling of knowing you’ll never propose to me at a Mariah Carey concert

I shop because I can

I shop because I can now and when I was growing up if I wasn’t on clearance it didn’t come home

I shop because debt somehow proves I’ve made something of myself

I shop because I need to prove something to myself

I shop because I love myself

I shop

I shop

I shop because I love scarves and sunglasses and shoes and myself.

I shop because even though it won’t heal the wound, it’ll cover it and make it look pretty.

(I’m not poetic. I’m not insightful. I’m not deep. I’m not any of those things. This was written in exactly 74 seconds and it probably shows.)

<3

True Blood Scoring Sheet: -1 Maryann’s gone. I loved her. -1 Sookie. In general. -1 No explanation for the Queen selling V. -1 Bill. In general. +1 Queenie all on top of Eric. -1 Not enough Eric. -1 Predictable cliffhanger ending. -1 Eggs. In general. -1 Tara’s slow devolution into this weak, sad thing. -1 Did it just occur to Sam to turn into a Bull?! -2 All it took was a horn through the heart to kill Maryann!?!?!

I think the title says it all.

This is something I do on my facebook every week, and thought it’d be good to transition over.

+1 Pam
+1 Vampire Queen
+1 Shirtless Bill

-1 Sookie’s weird pseudoseduction/rape
-1 Eric’s pseudopedophilia
-1 Not enough Eric

And when did that mug learn to fly?

Tonight’s episode was a wash, in my opinion. This has been my problem with the last few episodes, they’re all building up to the big ending and it’s getting on my nerves. Nothing’s happening in the meanwhile.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I believe it was the Mistress (if she’s reading. perhaps she’ll be able to confirm/deny) that I had the following conversation with:

Me: I really like Jill Scott.
Possibly the Mistress: I hate that bitch, if she was skinnier she would be mainstream.

There was something in the way she said “mainstream” that made it sound like it was a dirty word. And she’s one of many, many friends I have that tend to equate mainstream and popular with bad or unworthy of his/her time, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand why. These are people that go out of their way to avoid what’s popular and what others like. Now, I understand that everyone enjoys different flavours of music, and by no means am I calling for a homogenous taste in music, but a part of me is almost hurt by these obscurity-mongers. (I’m not singling out the Mistress here, I’m talking about hardcore pop-haters.) Because each one is such a pompous douchebag.

“What, you HAVEN’T heard <>? LAME”

Yeah, I like Britney Spears. BIG WHOOP WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?! I’m sorry that your favorite band has never nor will ever gain any notoriety or exposure worth anything, but don’t bring me down just because I enjoy music that is popular. Futhermore, don’t impugn the talent/hard work of mainstream artists, solely because they have gained exposure and notoriety. It drives me bonkers.

And as a movie person, I see a fuckton of movies that no one will ever see, that will never become popular. But I’m not going around hating on every bitch that never saw “Little Children.” ¿Sabes? And at the same time, I’m able to enjoy films like, “Let the Right One In” as well as whatever crap Michael Bay’s producing this summer. Not that there aren’t cinema pricks, but I just seem to encounter so many more musical obscurity-mongering-pompous-douchebag-assholes. I’ll just never be able to wrap my head around mainstream being a dirty word.